I am fascinated by the concept of imposter syndrome. I frequently do meditations on combating imposter syndrome and took an Insight Timer course on overcoming it. This concept was introduced in 1978 in an article titled “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention” by Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes. Imposter syndrome refers to people who doubt their achievements, despite being accomplished. There is a real fear that they will be found out as a fraud and their achievements were based on luck and not hard work and skill.
I have spent most of my life in fear I would get figured out as a fraud. I worry about the day others discover I do not possess the skills and abilities I claim to have. On some days, I feel I do not deserve to be a lawyer and lament the day others come to that realization. When I first learned about imposter syndrome, I remember feeling relieved this concept existed, and that I was not the only one with these thoughts.
I often present on microaggressions and implicit bias. I discuss the impacts of systemic racism that are deeply embedded in the bedrock of our society. During these trainings, I share lived personal experiences of being on the receiving end of microaggressions. For example, when I was accepted to attend the University of Michigan, many implied and some flat out said that I only got into the school because I was black. I was once at a party and a stranger told me it was because of people like me that he did not get into the school. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and was told that black people were less-than. I was told I “was pretty for a black girl,” “was smart for a black girl,” and “spoke well for a black girl.” A lot of my “compliments” were followed by “for a black girl.” It was as if I was an exception to some unspoken rule about people who looked like me. This unspoken rule is systematic racism at its finest.
I grew up questioning if I belonged in the white spaces I navigated. It did not matter that I had excellent grades and volunteered. It was overlooked that I was an All-State track athlete, captain of my track teams, and held a part time job my dad would drive me to immediately after practice. None of that mattered because I had black skin.
At the end of March 2023, I presented on imposter syndrome, and two days later, I presented on implicit bias and microaggressions. During the second presentation, something clicked, and I asked myself, “Do I have imposter syndrome, or am I feeling the impacts of the racism that has been perpetrated against me?”
My fears of being discovered as a fraud are directly related to the repeated attacks on my blackness. When I examine my thoughts, I recognize I still hold onto the harmful rhetoric that has been spewed at me from a young age. By self-diagnosing myself with imposter syndrome, I ignored the impacts of the racism I experienced.
The problem with this is that imposter syndrome puts the blame on the individual. I know I am not to blame for the racism I have encountered, but when I attributed feelings of fraud and lack of self-worth to imposter syndrome, I was blaming myself. I let myself believe there was something wrong with me. The negative self-talk I berated myself with was systematic racism doing what is does best.
I write this in hopes of liberating others from the blame I put upon myself. While many truly experience imposter syndrome, I hope that those who have shared lived experiences like mine stop blaming themselves for a system that was designed to keep racism alive.
Tatiana Kline is a training attorney for the Office of the State Public Defender in California. Prior to that role, she worked as a Deputy Public Defender in San Diego for 9.5 years. Mrs. Kline graduated from the University of San Diego School of Law in 2013 and from the University of Michigan in 2009 with a B.A. in Psychology and a B.A. in English. She currently serves as a Director for the San Diego County Bar Association, where she is the co-chair on the Wellness and Anti-Racism subcommittees. Additionally, she is a member of the National Association for Public Defense’s Wellness Committee, the Early B. Gilliam Bar Association, the Criminal Defense Lawyers Club and is a certified instructor for the National Institute of Trial Advocacy. Mrs. Kline finds joy in promoting the health and wellness of everyone she interacts with. After finding herself unhappy, depressed and desperate for change, she started her own journey to find mental wellness, clarity and peace. Mrs. Kline enjoys sharing her journey in hopes that others find comfort and solace in the practices that have tremendously changed her life.