Focus on the Good Role Models: Six Steps to Overcoming “Less Than” Moments

On By sdcountybar

By Renée N.G. Stackhouse
SDCBA President 

Thirteen years into my legal career and I still vividly remember what it was like to be a brand-new lawyer. In addition to the excitement of a new career and the challenges of learning and applying the law, I also remember hearing things from opposing counsel like “I’ve been doing this longer than you’ve been alive” and “When you do this as long as I have, you know that….” And though these comments weren’t necessarily said with the intention to be condescending, as a new lawyer that’s how it felt to me when I heard things like that.  

Last month, more than 50 NLD members responded to a survey designed to gain insight into the new lawyer experience and new lawyer feedback on civility in our community. Though much of the feedback was positive, I wasn’t exactly surprised that some of the respondents reported instances of condescension toward them as new lawyers or law students.  

I don’t believe this is specific to our profession, or even any profession, but is person-specific on both ends. Why or how people feel comfortable making statements like that will be based on their life experience. How we feel when we receive those statements will be based on ours.   

We are extremely fortunate here in San Diego to have a reputation as a collegial legal community. It may almost make those moments when something negative does occur that much more shocking, then. So, here is my advice as you build your career and experience moments that make you feel like you might be “less than.” It has been my mantra over the years, and it is simply:  

“How other people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.” (attributed to Wayne Dyer).  

With that in mind, here are some thoughts to help you navigate those difficult moments:  

Remember the San Diego legal community has high expectations.   

I frequently advocate for lawyers to acknowledge that they are human, not robots. I also think we should give each other grace because of how stressful this profession can be. But at the end of the day, San Diego attorneys and judges have created Attorney Civility and Practice Guidelines that were even adopted by our local courts, and it sets out the expectations of how we will all treat each other. Keep these in mind for how you should be holding yourself out, even if it is not reciprocated.  

Use the learning opportunities.  

First, when someone is imparting wisdom on us (“When you’ve been doing this as long as I have, you know that…”), take a minute a listen to what is being shared with you. Try not to let the way the message is being conveyed shut down the content of the message. Even if the message is delivered less than kindly, take time to consider if the information they are sharing could be right! Being defensive can wreak havoc on our ability to listen, process, and learn.  

Although abusive, discriminatory, or otherwise unlawful conduct from another attorney should be reported through the proper channels, lesser instances of unkindness, though not ideal, can help shape us into better future mentors.   

As one NLD member articulately stated: “I try to be as civil as possible. I always want to be able to point to anything I did and be able to substantiate it. Dealing with difficult people is a fact of life. I focus on the good role models and try to be one myself.”  

Make sure to learn from the imperfect experiences and don’t act that way yourself. I’ve heard many lawyers say that they learned how to be the lawyer they are today by identifying who they didn’t want to be. 

Give power to the pause.  

Take a pause before saying or writing something that might come off as rude or unprofessional. Write the email if you have to. But don’t send it. (Pro tip: don’t actually put the email recipient’s address in the “To:” line so it doesn’t accidentally get sent). Walk away from it. Talk to someone about it. Eat a Snickers bar. Then come back and re-read it. Would you still send it? Or has pausing helped to gather your thoughts and collect yourself? Be relentless in your re-writes until you would feel comfortable having that email as Exhibit A to a court filing or having it presented to a jury.  

The pause can also be done in person or over the phone, too. Overcome the urge to interrupt and be right and wait, as we advise our clients in preparing for deposition, for the other person to completely finish speaking. Pause (go ahead and make your mental objection in your head). Then respond. That beat can give you just enough time to reframe how you respond.  

These Connections Grow.  

My old firm sends me potential clients. Opposing counsel send me potential clients. I work with colleagues and past opposing counsel at law schools, on boards, and now, I’m starting to appear before them. These relationships and connections are not one case and done, they will follow you throughout your career. Especially if someday, you want to become a judge and have to list all opposing counsel on your appointment application! Consider carefully how, and if, you will respond.  

Pick Your Battles. 

There may come a time when you feel you need to stand up for yourself and saying something. I would encourage you to do so selectively and when it really matters—to you and to your client.  

Be like Queen Elsa.  

Yes, I have a toddler, but the lesson really is valuable: Let. It. Go. I can come up with a perfect come back in the shower as I relive the conversation for the 467th time and I can be up at 1 a.m. wishing I had just said or done XYZ with the best of them. It’s not healthy and it’s not helpful. Put your energy where it helps the most: into you and into your case.  

To the experienced lawyers who may be reading this, take a minute to think about your interactions with new lawyers. Does their bar number lead you to treat them differently? If you reversed roles with your newer opposing counsel or associate, would you like the way you are imparting lessons or communicating? Are you giving your new associate the guidance, time, and attention they need? It never hurts for us to take the time to do a little self-analysis.   

The bottom line is that we, the San Diego legal community, are all in this together. Let’s lift each other, and the profession, up.  

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