Living Without Apology 

By Tatiana Kline, Deputy Public Defender

This inspiration for this month’s Coaches Corner comes from a talk by Kemi Nekvapil titled “Step Into Your Power & Live Without Apology.” Given that March is Women’s History Month, I wanted to share this talk with the SDCBA community. I invite you to LISTEN HERE.

Ms. Nekvapil starts this talk with the Oxford Dictionary’s definition of power as “the ability to do something or act in a particular way.” She goes on to explain that we all have power, yet women “have been told over and over again that we are powerless in many different ways on many different days.” This sense of powerlessness led to her living her life as an apology simply for showing up as herself.

Ms. Nekvapil lived as an apology by:

• Making herself small by not sharing her opinions for fear of not being like.
• Pretending did not have needs and wants because she did not want to be told she was needy or difficult.
• Being a good girl and only doing what was expected of her.
• Apologizing when speaking.
• Diminishing the power of her words by smiling or giggling to soften her meaning or her voice.
• Apologizing before she spoke.
• Denying her leadership capabilities because her mind was fraught with possibilities of judgement and failure.
• Learning to live as an apology as a black woman navigating predominantly white spaces.

During the talk, she empowers women to take their power back and to start living without apology by:

• Taking up space.
• Communicating their needs because women are worthy of having their needs met.
• Operating as full expressions of their self.
• Having their own opinions and voices without diminishment and without apology.
• Stepping into leadership knowing that judgement and failure are part of the deal.
• Not assuming good enough when called to leadership and know will learn along way.
• Standing proud in their racial identity and ethnicity and encouraging others to do the same.
• Standing proud in however they identity and supporting others to do the same.

After the first time I listened to this talk, I considered how I had been living as an apology. I made myself small. I never wanted to rock the boat. I wanted to be liked and accepted by all. I questioned my abilities as an attorney and in leadership settings. For example, when it was suggested that I run for a Board of Directors seat, the first thought that went through my mind was “I’m not qualified.” When I was elected to the board, I questioned whether I belonged.

After listening to this talk, I realized how harmful negative self-talk like this was. Not only did it contribute to my lack of self-worth, but it may have prevented me from achieving my leadership roles. I wonder how many women have experiences like these and how many are currently living their lives with apology?

This talk empowered me to operate as a full expression of myself. When I am in a meeting, I am not afraid to voice my thoughts. I walk in knowing that I deserve to be there and can add value. I surround myself with people who accept me for who I am and support my goals. I accept challenges and know that if I fail, that failure does not define me as a person.

During this Women’s History Month and all months to follow, I invite all women to not only listen to this talk, but to step into their power and live their lives without apology. 

Tatiana Kline is the Co-Chair of the SDCBA Wellness Committee. She currently works as a Public Defender. She serves at a Director for the San Diego County Bar Association and is a member of the National Association for Public Defense’s Wellness Committee and is the President of her office’s Wellness Committee. She also is a member of the Criminal Defense Lawyer Club, which is an invite only criminal defense club in San Diego. Ms. Kline is someone who started a health and wellness journey many years ago. She found herself unhappy and depressed and wanted to change it. She hopes that others find comfort in solace in the practices that have tremendously changed her life.