Please Stop Asking This Question

By Tatiana Kline

“When are you going to have children?” It seems like an innocent question. But for many, the thought of answering the question drums up anxiety, stress, insecurities, and maybe even grief.

Society has taught us it is ok to ask this question. The question is viewed as a friendly conversation starter for newlyweds or parents with only one child. When asking this question, you might view yourself as showing interest in the lives of the person(s) you are asking. What you do not realize is that you may be causing unintended harm to someone’s emotional well-being.

What you may not know when you ask this question is whether the person or their partner—

• Has miscarried.
• Has delivered a stillborn.
• Has fertility issues.
• Has trauma they are processing around child rearing.
• Cannot financially afford children.
• Experienced an unsuccessful surrogacy.
• May be a person who believes the world is overpopulated and does not want to further contribute.
• Cannot physically get pregnant.
• Has childhood trauma that makes them not want to bring a child into the world.
• May be a person of color who does not want to bring a child into a world that views dark skin as inferior.

For me, the last two are the major reasons for why I chose not to have children. When I am asked this question, I know that I will not be having them. I am then reminded of my childhood trauma. I am reminded that no matter what a parent tries to do, they cannot protect their child from harm. Whether that harm be a babysitter who leaves them alone with a pot of hot oil or an opportunist who is left in a room alone with them. When I am asked this question, I think about the microaggressions I experience because of my race and the mental toll they take on me. I think about the unjustifiable killing of people who look like me. The thought of bringing a Black child into the world truly scares me since I cannot protect them from the same hate that has been spewed at me. And as of recently, when I get asked this question, it reminds me that I physically cannot carry a child.

When someone asks me this question, I know their goal is not to cause harm. But they have. While I am completely secure in my decision, it does not mean the question hurts any less.

So where do we go from here?

For those of you who feel the need to ask this question, my advice to you is this: DO NOT. STOP ASKING. JUST DON’T DO IT. When, and if, people are ready to share their child rearing journey with you, they will. Until then, mind your business. I hope reading my reasons is enough to stop you from ever asking again.

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Bio: Tatiana Kline is a training attorney for the Office of the State Public Defender in California. Prior to that role, she worked as a Deputy Public Defender in San Diego for 9.5 years. Tatiana graduated from the University of San Diego School of Law in 2013 and from the University of Michigan in 2009 with a B.A. in Psychology and a B.A. in English. She currently serves as a Director for the San Diego County Bar Association, where she is the co-chair on the Wellness and Anti-Racism subcommittees. Additionally, she is a member of the National Association for Public Defense’s Wellness Committee, the Early B. Gilliam Bar Association, the Criminal Defense Lawyers Club and is a certified instructor for the National Institute of Trial Advocacy. Tatiana finds joy in promoting the health and wellness of everyone she interacts with. After finding herself unhappy, depressed, and desperate for change, she started her own journey to find mental wellness, clarity and peace. Tatiana enjoys sharing her journey in hopes that others find comfort and solace in the practices that have tremendously changed her life.