By Pauline Villanueva
’Tis the season to give thanks, count our blessings, and remember all the things we have to be grateful for. For some, this is a welcome reminder; for others, it is a challenge. Worse, it can make some of us feel resentful, as if we’re being pressured to feel “grateful” while simultaneously being forced to acknowledge our struggles.
Gratitude is undoubtedly important, but at the same time, it can be complicated. This is especially true as we’re bombarded by messages of toxic positivity even while we’re in the second year of a global pandemic. Maintaining a gratitude practice can quickly start to feel like an unwelcome chore, or worse, lead us to invalidate our own feelings and experiences. We may even start gaslighting ourselves into thinking our struggles aren’t legitimate because, well, we have so many things to be grateful for! Other people have it worse! We’re so #blessed!
If you’re experiencing this, the good news is that you’re not alone. The better news is that you do not have to feel guilty about feeling bad and struggling.
Read that again: you do not have to feel guilty about feeling bad and struggling.
A gratitude practice is just that: a practice. There is no “perfect” way to be grateful. There’s no “wrong” way to be grateful. Gratitude teaches us that just because bad things are happening doesn’t mean we can’t be grateful. But the reverse is also true: just because we are grateful doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge the difficult times we might be going through. Rather, it is about finding that balance for yourself by acknowledging feelings of stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions, while also finding some sense of gratitude.
To give a personal anecdote: two weeks ago, I had to put my cat of 18 years to sleep, right before Thanksgiving. That experience was heart-wrenching. At the same time, I was grateful for the support of friends and family, even as I was processing my grief over saying goodbye. It wasn’t a matter of choosing one or the other. I could be grateful for the time I spent with my pet and the outpouring of love and support even as I was struggling with how much I missed him. In the end, that helped me find the space to process what I was feeling without sacrificing the perspective of gratitude.
All of this is to say that as we are navigating this holiday season with everything else that is going on in our lives and in the world, don’t fall into the trap of gaslighting yourself with a gratitude practice that feels more like an obligation. Acknowledge whatever stress or anxiety you might be feeling. Take whatever steps you need to take to find real gratitude, even if it’s for something as small as surviving your day. Your gratitude practice is yours, and you don’t need to force yourself into anything that does not feel true and authentic.